Me - Elton John

"Me" is a book on how never giving up on self can help one and all despite the situations and circumstances. Its the autobiography of Elton John - the don of rock and roll music. 

Elton John grew up in an emotionally draining and hostile environment which had long term effects on his adulthood. He was heavily influenced by the behaviors and nuances of those he grew up around - his father, mother and siblings. His father was a member of RAF and mother was a milkmaid during WW2. Elton grew up with his father hardly being around and when he was around, he was known to impose hars and stringent laws that would end up alienating Elton. Mother was borderline psychotic and enjoyed tormenting Elton as a boy. When both his parents were around, it was war - full frontal assault and cold deafening silence. Elton though had a friendly relationship with his grand mother. He lacked the feeling of family which had huge impact on his adulthood family life. No real guidance, no real affection or care, he simply floated in and out of fantasies that kept him grounded and hopeful for a better life leaving him detached from reality. 

A big amount of adults find themselves stuck, unsure of their worth and questioning their place in the world they've prepared whole lives to be part of. This emptiness, ever present and ever growing is a result f a longing for an identity that they've been robbed of growing up. Elton was no exception. 

He would find himself trapped in the cycle of  addiction and self loathing. Elton saw a sudden raise in the fame and eventually sought solace in cocaine, alcohol and extravagant parties. He was soothing an ache only he understood. He thought he was successful and famous and he won the battle but fame only brought him more loneliness and emptiness. 

Also, there was this glaring revelation about his sexuality. When Elton was growing up, he never realized he was gay. He married a woman without this knowledge and later divorced causing much pain to both the partners. He was clinically depressed and had suicidal tendencies several times. He questioned every bit of his existence and his achievements. He suffered from impostor syndrome too sometimes. 

Later he found his support group with people who saw him struggle and offered to help. Hugh Williams - his boyfriend also checked in to the same rehab as was Elton. Years later, Elton fought through the moment of darkness and came out the other end the massive success he is today. Bernie Taupin a friend with whom Elton wrote music influenced him. He finally stopped listening to voices in his head and started listening to the voices outside. 

Now reading the biography and knowing more about Elton, his songs sound a different tune to me. 

My journey with Bhagavat Geeta - Chapter 1 - Arjunavishaadayogah (Praakruthakaarunyayoga)

I started my journey of self discovery and non duality over the last few months by going through the book - ಜೀವನಧರ್ಮಯೋಗ by DVG which is the ಭಾಗವಥಗೀತ ತಾತ್ಪರ್ಯ . I've tried to document my experience here. 

(Prerequisite to learn Geeta- One needs to know the Whos who of Mahabharatha - Not just whats available in the popular culture but also the hidden and lesser known relationships between characters, who strikes what kind of chord to whom, the events, the triggers for the events and the aftermath and the impact of the events performed by certain people. One needs to unlearn the sequence of Mahabharatha and take one page at a time and explore all the varieties of possibilities. One needs to be open minded and apply practicality and see the events in today's realistic terms. 

If we understand bits and pieces of The great Upanishads and Veda, the experience can be more fulfilling. Also there are several references to other great epics of Indian mythology like Ramayana, Garuda Purana, Vishnu Purana,  Shiva charita etc.. If we know general ideologies of these, the meaning of Bhagavath Geeta becomes profound) 

The first chapter is mostly about Arjuna being a cry baby on why should he wage war and kill his loved ones.

The verses start with Drutaraastra asking Sanjaya as to what is happening on the battlefield. 

Sanjaya explains the battlefield scene as 

1. Duryodhana is saying to Bheeshma that our army is not comparable to the army that's under Bheema's leadership and that everyone in Kaurava side should guard Bheeshma. 

2. Duryodhana thinks that Bheeshma is old and cannot perform the duties of leading the kaurava army as he also has favoritism towards the pandu putras. Hence he seeks the favor of Dronacharya. 

3. Both armies start the sounds of conchshells, drums, bugles, trumpets and horns. 

4. Arjuna seeks Krishna to take him to the center of the battlefield to examine who all he is up against

Arjuna asks questions like 

1. Why do I have to wage the war and kill my most loved uncles, grand fathers, great grand fathers, family and friends?

2. What joy or pride I get by killing them?

3. What is a life or power when they do not exist to witness it?

4. Why should there be so much of bloodshed of not just my family and friends but the innocent soldiers and people of kingdoms when they dont even understand whose side they are standing - dharma or adharma?

5. If I kill so many innocent people, will I be not sinned? 

Key takeaways - 

Breaking the status quo. 

The above questions are also the questions for us to understand why should we break the status quo, why should the moment of rest(or comfort zone) be broken down to bring in action? Why cannot we just live the way we are living right now? What does Dharma seek of us? 

What is empathy?

Like anger, Love and empathy are also kinds of manovikaara - the simple variations of mind(which oftentimes can be a good variation in certain situations). That being the case, embracing empathy towards the loved ones is simply trying to entertain the mind with variety. 

ವಿಚಾರವಿಲ್ಲದ ಕರುಣೆ ವ್ಯಾಮೋಹ ; ಅದೇ ಪಕ್ಷಪಾತ ; ಅದೇ ಬ್ರಾಂತಿದೃಷ್ಟಿ ; ಅದೇ ಕಂಟಕ 

About the impulsive responses. 

ಸುಮ್ಮನೆ moment of impulse ಇರಬಾರದು. ಅದು ನಂಬಿಕೆಗೆ ಸಾಲದು. ಅದರ ಜೊತೆಗೆ ವಿಷಯ ವಿಮರ್ಶನೆ ಸೇರಿ ಅದರಲ್ಲಿಯ ಅಶುದ್ಧತೆಗಳನ್ನು ಕಳೆಯಬೇಕು. ಹಾಗೆ ವಿವೇಕಸಿದ್ಧವಾದ ಮನಃಪ್ರಚಲನೆ ಕಾರ್ಯರ್ಹವಾಗುತ್ತದೆ. 

 

Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

The last few weeks have been awkwardly slow, eventless and tiring. I picked up this book to get lost in my own self. It only made my grief bigger.

Its the book about Elinor and Marianne - Two Dashwood sisters - left to save their vanity after their father's death. Its set in 17th century in England. The book is a great deal of "conduct lessons" for young women and mankind if not less.

Elinor is full of sense - wisdom, good judgement and realistic thinking. Marianne is full of sensibility - emotional, sensible and living in goodwill dreamland. The book is a depiction of behavioural paradigm of these two characters. One has everything concealed and the other has nothing to conceal.

The story of the book is about how the Elinor and Marianne deal with situations when they become destitute by their father's death, finding a place to live when they are asked to leave the Norland farm, finding love in Edward Ferrars and John Willoughby respectively and dealing with Brandon, heart breaks, Edward Ferrars secret engagement to Lucy Steele, Lucy affinity to Robert Ferrars, Fanny's contentious treatment, avarice sense of John Dashwood, Willoughby's deception, London visit, Edward's apologies, being ill to the state of death, the recovery from death bed, Brandon's love for Marianne and finally making up the decision to marry.

The journey is drastic and dramatic with each twist having a twitch in the readers tummy. The sense and sensibilities of the characters is life inspiring and a clearly defines what to do and what not to do. Thats why I think it stayed as the "Conduct lessons" for so many years in the history. The journey is also the depiction of socio economic conditions in the evolution time period of mankind where "Family" hood was at epitome. All through what is professed is that its not about woman or man - one has to uphold the respect for self.

The language was a bit strange to me at first but you get accustomed to it after say 50 pages. It took more than 4 weeks to read. But after those four weeks I felt like a different person altogether. Some of the best quotes in the book are -

“She was stronger alone…”

“Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience- or give it a more fascinating name, call it hope.”

“To wish was to hope, and to hope was to expect…”

“Sometimes one is guided by what they say of themselves, and very frequently by what other people say of them, without giving oneself time to deliberate and judge.”

“Life could do nothing for her, beyond giving time for a better preparation for death.”

“It is not what we think or feel that makes us who we are. It is what we do. Or fail to do.”

“A man who has nothing to do with his own time has no conscience in his intrusion on that of others.”

“I never wish to offend, but I am so foolishly shy, that I often seem negligent, when I am only kept back by my natural awkwardness. [...] Shyness is only the effect of a sense of inferiority in some way or other. If I could persuade myself that my manners were perfectly easy and graceful, I should not be shy.”

“She was without any power, because she was without any desire of command over herself.”

“Marianne Dashwood was born to an extraordinary fate. She was born to discover the falsehood of her own opinions, and to counteract, by her conduct, her most favourite maxims.”

“I can feel no sentiment of approbation inferior to love.”

“Mine is a misery which nothing can do away.”

“Sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in but what was worn and hackneyed out of all sense and meaning.”

Demise?

Since the office shifted to a new place, its been an emotional commute for me each day. I have to pass through narrow lanes and slums and the sight of people and children and their helplessness is a big deal of a thing to me.

More than the suffering of these children, I get to go around city's 3 major hospitals and the sight over there is further more heart rending. There are sick children, growth retarded, mentally ill, accident victims, ill infants being carried in tiny pouches and what not. When I look in to their eyes and the eyes of people surrounding them, I find hollowness, submission, despair, dejection, pain, hope for betterment, faith, good will, trust, assurance, reliance and confidence. To take so many visuals at once for me is not a thing of ease.

Today morning, I think there was a death of someone I dont know in the last hospital. There were grieving people but the grief had turned violent. They were bawling on the road. I did not dare to stop by to understand the reason - for I know that pain too well.

When in a calm posture now, I ask whether I fear death? I do..

DVG's lines follow.

ಬದುಕು ಜಟಕಾಬಂಡಿ,
ವಿಧಿ ಅದರ ಸಾಹೇಬ,
ಕುದುರೆ ನೀನ್,
ಅವನು ಪೇಳ್ದಂತೆ ಪಯಣಿಗರು.
ಮದುವೆಗೋ ಮಸಣಕೋ ಹೋಗೆಂದಕಡೆಗೋಡು
ಪದ ಕುಸಿಯೆ ನೆಲವಿಹುದು ಮಂಕುತಿಮ್ಮ

Finding the odd man out

This is an old game you and I are used to playing when we were all kids. This is the way to teach children to identify what is different in a set of given items or people. This helps develop children the instinct to identify anything that is not normal.

That said, I find this game such an  absurd. I have learnt to respect people for all what they are regardless of color, race, gender, vernacular background, the upbringing, cultural varieties, social, financial, political prospects, God believing, aethist, sexual orientations, environmental views, career orientation, age, physical and philosophical histories. This has come a hard way to me no matter how much my parents thought me to prefer something over other because I relate to it easily. 

I profess the same thing to my growing child and to find an odd man out in the given set of people is simply no way forward. In my thoughts, there is not a single Man who is odd on the face of earth. Everyone is different and they all come with their own individuality. You may call me narcissist. It does not matter...but everyone deserves respect by the virtue of simply being human. 

Finding the odd man out should be most contextual based like a person who is oblivious to what is happening in a meeting room or should be played with numbers like multiples of 4 accompanied with a 5. Hope the world finds more meaningful games for children to play. 

#sundaynightthoughts

Hidden Files - Prof. Triveni Singh and Amit Dubey

On LinkedIn I am friends with India's first and super cyber cop Prof. Triveni Singh Sir. He is an IPS officer who is known for cracking cyber crimes. He along with Amit Dubey who is a cyber crime investigator and cyber security speaker have teamed up to author this book by name "Hidden files". It is inspired by the real crimes they solved.

The book is a collection of short(mini tales) stories each one more thrilling than the previous one. I bought it through Kindle unlimited which is free of cost. Took about 2 nights to read them all.

One mini tale titled "Cats Murder" gave me shrills in the spine literally. Its about a small boy who plays video games and does nasty things at home. The sensational stories of SMS scams, fake job offerers, video game that detects wifi signals and determines the position of the person speaking on phone, game that captures pics of surroundings, Lover boy capturing nudity of girlfriends, marriage proposal scams are all horrifying and blood curdling.

Reading this book, one can discern the vulnerabilities we are exposed to just by connecting to internet(and otherwise). The stories are short and I assure you there is no glorification of the crime. I get to read about real life cases the professor solves on daily basis on linkedin. A man on a mission to solve every bit the cyber crime is the definition of Prof. Triveni Singh, IPS, MBA, PhD, CEH. He is an inspiration to cyber cops and to many like me. 

Midnight in Chernobyl

A while ago, when I was touring around my parents in law's home, I went to a deserted village called Borkatte near karkala. It was nearly barren with fallen tress and broken houses. At the same time I was reading this book called Midnight in Chernobyl. I could relate to the state of village of Pripyat being deserted due to nuclear blast.

The book - Midnight in Chernobyl is a documentary of events that led to the largest nuclear outage on the face of earth on April 25th 1986. That was around the time I was born and my father kept telling me stories about what happened in Chernobyl nuclear blast. Since I knew only what my father had told me, I was intrigued to fill myself with details and so I read this book.

Soviet Union assumes answers to most of the energy problems in nuclear energy. They decide the place to be Pripyat which is a small village near the regional capital Chernobyl. Victor Brukhanov a nuclear scientist is assigned to the project to build first ever atomic power plant in Ukraine from scratch. The project would cost 400 million rubles. Victor painstakingly goes through every stage of facility building to dealing with authorities and labourers.

The shape of the plant is dependent on functionality in the most economical ways the stations designers can conceive. The plant commission makes several important recommendations to develop safety regulations to protect reactors in the event of coolant loss. Recommendations to devise a faster acting emergency protection system are also made. Despite the apparent urgency, the reactor designers fail to act on any of the recommendations. Instead the Soviet Govt orders more of the reactors to be built. In the years that follow, there would be even more serious accidents in the nuclear reactors else where in the Soviet union and all of them would be covered up for the fear that it would tarnish the ostensibly spotless record of the peaceful reactor.

The key safety system of the reactor # 4 is ascertained to protect it during a blackout. The designers develop a run down unit which is the crucial safety feature of the reactor #4 and must be tested before it was approved for use in 1983. In 1986, the tests were overdue for more than 3 years and the first scheduled maintenances for the reactor #4 gave the opportunity to conduct trial in the real world conditions. From here, the things start to fall. During the test, the reactor shuts down and destroys itself. There would be a loud noise of the explosion and a mushroom like cloud blossoming in to the sky. The highest levels of emergency alerts are summoned. It is a  terrifying and apocalyptic sight and the worst is yet to come. The damaged reactor is running low on water coolant. Extinguishing fire with water is counterproductive as it burned more savagely. The blast released explosive hydrogen and radio active steam. The levels of emitting radiation was such that a man would absorb a lethal dose in less than 4 minutes.

The need for secrecy lead to the false report that the accident was something that could've been controlled and contained. The people's lives were kept at risk. After elaborate investigations, the failure of the reactor was blamed on the incompetence of the operators. There was a thick long block of wall constructed to contain the radiations as an aftermath. Its called sarcophagus. The people and directors who were penalised for the disaster were released in 1990.

25 years after the incident, the Ukrainian government decided to build a tourist center around the exclusion zone in Chernobyl. It is considered safe for short visits.

The book is a horrifying documentation of the events. I was so moved by the events that I watched the Chernobyl documentary on Netflix. The stories of Dyatlov, Victor, Alexander Yuvchenko and Nikolai Formin are heart rendering. 

The moment of lift by Melinda Gates

Melinda Gates grew up as a child in Catholic home, raised by aerospace engineer father and stay at home mother. She witnessed a number of space launches which inspired her to find the moment of lift in the human beings. Its the story of a passionate public feminist advocate who shares her experiences of travel and working with underprivileged women.

In the story, she tells about how she met Bill Gates when she was working at Microsoft. After the birth of her first child, she along with Bill establish a foundation meant to fight social inequalities. It was not Melinda's plans to work on gender issues but after realising that empowering women is the key to reduce and increase access to health care, the foundation becomes more poised in solving gender issues.

She writes that "Poverty is the most disempowering force on earth" and hence works on resolving world poverty. She then talks on working on unplanned pregnancies which is the no.1 cause of death for girls aged 14 and 21. She works on child marriages, woman working on unpaid work, gender barriers, religion biases etc in the book.

I was in the impression this is a self help book. But it is more of a autobiography. There are good advices all over the place though. The last conclusive advice goes as below.

Speak up when and where you can. This will not only help you find a safe place in your voice, but it will also improve your sense of self. Always remember you have a responsibility to yourself to speak up against every form of unfairness. Also be nice to everyone you come across as love is the ultimate bridge of life. 

Kite Runner

A very long time ago I read this book. Later I watched the movie too. Both have been classics in their own terms. This is the book that lead me to Khaled Hosseini and I read all his works back to back and now I await for the next ones.

This one is about a boy named Amir who lives with his father "baba" in Kabul, Afghanistan. He has a servant by name Ali. Ali has a son called Hassan. There is a friend of baba - Rahim Khan.  Ali and Hassan belong to hazaara which is a ethnic minority. Baba loves Hassan more than Amir or thats what Amir thinks as. There is a kite fighting festival where the boys cover their kite strings in glass and battle to sever the string of opposing kites. When a kite loses, boys chase and retrieve it. This is called kite running. When Amir wins the kite challenge, Hassan sets off to run the losing kite. Hassan is trapped in an alley with his pants down and being raped by rowdy boys named Aseef, Wali and Kamal. Amir looks on as all this happen without letting out his effort to guard Hassan. Once Hassan is out Amir looks as if he doesn't know a thing. Amir is full of guilt and wants Hassan out of his house. He stuffs money and a watch under Hassan's bed and tells baba that Hassan stole them. When baba confronts Hasaan, he admits it though he has not done a thing. Ali and Hassan move away from Amir's house.

During the war times, Afghanistan is occupied by Soviets and Amir and baba escape to California. Amir goes to college and marries a girl by name Soraya. Baba dies due to lung cancer and one day Amir gets a call from Rahim Khan to see him in Pakistan. When Amir meets him he has a favor to ask. He tells about Hassan being the natural son of baba, about his house in Kabul which was demolished by Talibans, death of Hassan and his wife, about their orphaned child Sohrab. Rahim wants Amir to pick Sohrab from orphanage in Kabul. Amir sets off to Kabul to find that there is no orphanage and Sohrab is living with Aseef where he is sexually abused. Amir and Sohrab fight Aseef and escape. Amir and Soraya find trouble in legally adopting Sohrab but eventually they do. Sohrab is shaken and do not talk to anyone. He will have problems with getting along with the new family. Once there will be a kit festival in Fremont and Amir and Soraya take him there. They fly the kite together and Sohrab smiles for the first time. 

When Sohrab smiles for the first time is when the readers also let out a tear of happiness. Its a book of great love, guilt, loyalty and submission. There is war also in the backdrop to add to the sadness of the book but its the one with profound emotion and feeling.

I read this book around 10 years back and I still remember the characters and the story and more so the emotion associated with each scene. One has to read it to understand the depth and meaning of the fact that love and guilt combined together becomes such a powerful force. 

Fist of God - Frederick Forsyth

This book is a master thriller of Frederick Forsyth. Its set during the Persian Gulf war of 1991 in the similar lines as "The Afghan".

There was a scientist named Gerald Bull who envisioned launching a satellite with a super gun kind of artillery. He designs and develops the super gun through a project called Project Babylon in Iraq. The scientist is assassinated shortly after this development. This is a real story where the scientist lived and died. You can find his details here.

Iraq invades Kuwait. The officer Mike Martin who is dark in complexion and speaks Arabic can easily infiltrate to be Afghan. He is a SAS (A British special services unit of the Army) agent. US comes in to support Kuwait and free it from Saddam's rule. The world is unable to locate or identify the weaponry that Iraq is using. Mike Martin is called in and he passes in as an Afghan to detect the super gun that Saddam has employed.

In the mean time, CIA gets the word that there is a Mossad informer in Iraq called Jerico. Again now, Martin is called in and sent to Baghdad(Iraq). Mike works as a gardener in the house of a Soviet ambassador. Mike finally gets the information about the super gun from Jerico in exchange of a hefty money. But the information is useless as it takes someone on ground to point to the weapon so that it can be hit from the air as the gun as such is hidden and camouflaged. He travels to Vienna and deal with the Mossad.

There is a lot of treachery in the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. There are gory references to torture and violence. Its intense.

Its a book thats like any other book of FF. Intense and spine chilling. Once you are on it, you can't stop till you finish or at least till you know who Jerico is. Mike Martin is kind at the same time powerful. His presence of mind saves him on occasions where is just about to die or be captured. A high adventure, high drama read.